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In Surprise Move, Rush Limbaugh Named RNC Chair

Posted by John Wellington Ennis

With their party in rapid decline, the Republican National Committee voted in closed-door session in Washington D.C. today to forgo all five candidates who have been fiercely vying for the party chairmanship, and instead just hand over the reins of the party to talk radio host Rush Limbaugh, according to various tweets Twittering today.

Ken Blackwell, political gadfly and a long shot for the chairmanship, promptly accused ACORN of registering dead Republicans. He sought to throw out the votes of all black RNC members, which were none.

One RNC member who voted for Limbaugh confided, “Obama sat down with us like a gentleman and suggested that in order to make progress together, we shouldn’t listen to Rush Limbaugh — so it made natural sense.”

In the face of growing public support for Obama’s stimulus package, and after several overt gestures to the GOP to include their priorities like tax cuts and immunity for Karl Rove, Congressional Republicans all voted against the stimulus package, because Rush Limbaugh said so.

Ironically, the flap over racially offensive songs popularized by Limbaugh — which had led to Rep. Chip Saltman to abandon his bid for RNC Chair — were easily deflected in choosing Limbaugh, a jovial racist. “Who are we kidding?” one party insider laughed and shrugged following the vote. He then chomped on his cigar and pulled his pocket watch out of his vest pocket to check its shininess.

Limbaugh’s role in shaping policy was made clear last week when Rep. Phil Gengrey had originally demurred from Limbaugh’s initiative to bring about the failure of the country. “I mean, it’s easy if you’re Sean Hannity or Rush Limbaugh or even sometimes Newt Gingrich to stand back and throw bricks. You don’t have to try to do what’s best for your people and your party. You know you’re just on these talk shows and you’re living well and plus you stir up a bit of controversy and gin the base and that sort of that thing.”

Hours later, Gengrey met with Limbaugh in a room lit by slits of light through window shades during Rush Limbaugh’s grand daughter’s christening, and released this statement: “Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Newt Gingrich, and other conservative giants are the voices of the conservative movement’s conscience. Everyday, millions and millions of Americans — myself included — turn on their radios and televisions to listen to what they have to say, and we are inspired by their words and by their determination.” He went on to add, “My daughter is yours, Sir, her maidenhead intact.”

One Republican involved in the negotiations said, “We appreciate the concessions made by the President and the House Democrats, even though we wish the stimulus package were going to other sectors — like our donors. But if Rush’s goal is to fail, then not stimulating the economy is a smart way to do it.”

Limbaugh, reached by phone in the Dominican Republic for the weekend, was loud: “They did WHAT?!? [expletive deleted] I can’t be responsible for the crap I say! Who am I going to blame if I’m — wait…they’re back…oh god, NO…the damned roaches, they’re crawling out of my eyes! Get ‘em off me, bitch! I’m not paying you to lie there comatose, HELP me! AAHHARGGH! Daddy!!” After some crashing sounds, the phone connection went dead. Limbaugh’s assistant released a statement saying that Limbaugh was celebrating out of the country this weekend, but was certain that the RNC “fixers” would be able to locate, sedate, and employ rendition to ensure Limbaugh be brought to D.C. by Monday morning to enjoy the RNC’s failure.


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